Let’s talk (or scream) anger…
How often do you feel angry? When was the last time you let rip? What really sets you off? For me, it’s sometimes the little things, like too long a queue at the supermarket. Other times, it’s something far more significant. But you know what repeatedly sets me off? Not being allowed to be angry. As women, our anger often gets dismissed as just being “hormonal” or “having a moment.” So we don’t get angry, we get inspirational. Seriously, Sisterhood, can we stop with the sunshine-and-rainbows act and just let rip for a second?
Sure, hormonal fluctuations can ramp up the rage—just ask my wife, who had all her oestrogen medically cut off during breast cancer treatment. Her rage went from a 0.5 to a 105 (out of ten). But as women, where can we channel that rage constructively without being labeled as “bossy,” “hormonal,” or “out of control”?
Take this example: I once went to my GP because I was feeling uncharacteristically rageful around my period. He tilted his head and asked if I’d heard of PMS. In my head, I stood up, flared my nostrils, and said, “Are you f***ing kidding me? I’ve had my period since I was 11. Do I know what PMS is? I could have invented PMS! I am the face PMS sees in its nightmares!” What I actually said was, “So you think it’s just PMS, then?”
I’ve worked with too many women who feel justifiably angry but have been trained to bottle it up. Women who downplay their anger into minor annoyances or reframe it as “growth opportunities.” But here’s the thing: I don’t want to grow all the time. Some things just suck, and I want it to be okay to be just angry about them for a moment. If we constantly suppress our anger, it either eats away at us from the inside, gnawing at our self-esteem and joy, or it builds up until it explodes (or implodes for that matter!), damaging everything in its path.
We need to express our anger. I’m not suggesting you start throwing eggs at everything that annoys you, but there are ways to channel anger productively. We need to allow ourselves that! Think of the suffragettes—they were furious, and they used that anger to drive social change. Anger signals unfairness or overlooked issues. If you’ve felt invisible, dismissed, or invalidated, suppressing your anger is the canary in the coalmine. Don’t let suppressing it drive you away from a job, hobby or people you love.
Anger isn’t comfortable, but it’s often the easiest emotion to access. Sometimes it’s a mask for fear, grief, or shame. Have you ever shouted at your child when they were about to run into the road? Were you really angry at them, or terrified for their safety? That’s reactionary anger. It’s worth thinking about what stops you from expressing your anger. Is it the fear of being told to “calm down”? Or maybe your environment isn’t safe enough to express how you feel?
Once you understand your anger and the purpose it serves, you can use it constructively. During the pandemic, my family and I took an old set of crockery outside and smashed it, letting out primal screams. It was cathartic. It also helped us declutter. For me, swearing in the car or listening to German Punk also does the trick. Physical activities like these help release built-up tension, and let’s face it, they’re fun.
Anger can also be an excellent motivator for change. When you feel that burning sensation of injustice, it can drive you to take action, to advocate for yourself and others, and to make real, impactful changes in your life and community. Use that anger to fuel your passion, to fight for what you believe in, and to push for the respect and recognition you deserve. Don’t worry about labels like ‘hysterical’ or ‘hormonal’. You are not them and they do not define you.
Moreover, understanding the root cause of your anger is crucial. Are you angry because you feel undervalued at work? Because your efforts are overlooked? Because societal expectations are unrealistic? Identifying the source allows you to address the issue head-on rather than letting the anger simmer under the surface. How many women leave their jobs because they feel undervalued, unable to express the unfairness they encounter and having to mask their anger?
It’s also important to find healthy outlets for your anger. Let’s be honest about how we’re feeling. Sometimes just verbalising your frustrations can alleviate some of the pressure. Journaling can also be a powerful tool for processing anger. Write it all down—the good, the bad, the ugly. Get it out of your system and onto the paper. Or have try swapping Zen Yoga for some kick boxing. Book a smash room. Dance. Rant. Give it space.
I started writing this because I was angry. I saw an uplifting message from an incredible woman about something really rubbish, and it made me angry that she felt she had to sugarcoat it. Writing this has made me feel better, so maybe today is a good day for us all to say hello to our anger. What gets you going, and what helps you manage it?
(If you don’t know, give German Punk a try! 😉)
